Conversation Toppers

If life hands me opportunities to interject the following threads into actual conversations, I will consider myself blessed.

1. I just invented a new word, omniferretous. It means "ferrets everywhere!"

2. What I really want to know is, what is it with midgets? Why do they waddle? I just want to stare at them all day, don't you?

3. Did you know blue jays have a 900 peanut recall? They can remember where they stashed 900 peanuts. Squirrels have a 300 peanut recall. I'd bet you have about a 7 peanut recall.

4. Weasel is actually a term of endearment. Some cultures highly revered weasels. The Mesozoic culture, I think, or the Visigoths. I'm pretty sure Visigoths loved weasels.

5. When I was in high school we went to Horton Center, a retreat in the mountains. One day I was leaving the dining hall around 6 pm and I saw something just above the tree line. It was the shape of a human hovering in the air. I was so shaken up that I went to my cabin and didn't tell anyone. The next morning I was up early and this woman who I'd never seen was walking toward me. She stopped and said, "You saw him, didn't you?" "Who?" I asked. "The angel of death. You saw him too" and she walked away. Later I heard that a camper, an older man who was hiking had had a heart attack and died the previous day. The time it happened? 6:00 pm. Woo-oo-oo-oo...

6. This past Sunday a woman came to church who was obviously demon possessed. The pastor began praying that the demon would leave her. He laid his hand on her head and yelled "Expelliamus!" The man is a huge Harry Potter fan.

7. I have a question for you: how do you sell a deaf man a monkey?

8. Five seconds after the semi hit me I was reincarnated as a lemming. Unfortunately my herd was plummeting over the side of a cliff in Norway so, for the second time in 10 seconds I died.

9. You're in a lifeboat with three other people and someone has to go overboard to keep the boat afloat. There's a young mother, her child and an eighty year old man. The child's a leper, the mother's an albino and you're a paraplegic. What would you do?