Cat has been licking itself for eight minutes
Cat has been licking itself for thirteen minutes.
I throw a pillow at cat, pillow bounces off recliner, cat propels itself from recliner. Cat's owner looks inquisitively at pillow on floor, I pretend not to notice
Cat saunters back into living room, sits 6 feet away from me. Stares.
Cat is biting its (fur?) (skin?) Sickening, crunching noise ensues. I throw pen, hits cat in lower back region, cat jumps upwards of 2 feet
I shake fist at cat
Cat scratches its mangled ear until it bleeds. I throw pad of paper at cat, cat makes mewling noise as it bolts for the door
Cat tries to escape to upstairs apartment. Door closed. Cat hides in stairwell
I pass stairs, hiss at cat. Cat darts down stairs
Cat has not moved for 4 hours. I consider possible causes and ramifications of cat's death
Cat moved, appears to be alive
Cat scratches its disgusting chin for 3 minutes, disgusting chin appears red and inflamed. Dry skin can be seen flaking off
Cat sitting in recliner. I tip recliner, spilling cat
Cat paces floor, possibly disgruntled
Rotten odor emanates from area of cat. Cat stares challengingly. I throw USB cable at cat.
Cat retreats to lap of owner, smirks at me.
Owner hugs, kisses it, talks to it. Owner loves cat, possibly justifying its existance
* name changed to protect identity
Friday, June 15
Friday, June 1
100 Random Things About Me
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
got the one on my right hand from putting it through a window, sort of accidentally.
2. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
approx 10 yrs old, a classic Startac, battered and black
3. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
my ipod playlists
4. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Amy time!!!
5. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
swim in the ocean, crunch around on the sand and poke my toes in tidal pools
6. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
being a child with no responsibilities in the summertime
7. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
slaptop
8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
indescribable outdoors smells, like herbage after it rains
9. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
in certain situations
10. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME TO WEAR?
natural oils
12. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
red, long and curly on either sex
13. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
mid-air, as I'm keeling over in shock
14. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
"All I need is another cuppa coffee, nother cuppa coffee, nother cuppa coffee!"
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
veg'ls
16. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
seaweed salad and a rainbow roll
17. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
I have no idea
18. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
my own. It consists of modified English words like slaptop and heggs.
19. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)?
Like anyone could even know that.
20. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Leaving from where for where and for how long? Too vague.
21. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
buy a blank card and write in it
22. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED.
blah blah me blah
23. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
me
24. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
I don't know who's it is, I just call it.
25. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
littering, people who are unpatriotic, ppl who don't wear helmets on motorcycles, ppls who don't vote
26. HAS ANYONE EVER SPIT ON YOU?
Yes, my brother when he was 7 or so
27. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Any sweet comestibles that I'm trying to avoid, currently Nutty Bars
28. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB?
tomato worm killer, five cents a worm
29. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?'
one afternoon only, when I was 12 or 13 Loralee and I made a brazillion prank calls
30. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
counting grains of rice to assuage my boredom. thank you, internet survey
31. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I've always wanted to be a unicorn
32. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
for a chance to talk about myself and be funny and not bored
33. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
maybe mine eyes
34. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
make bathtub gin and open a speakeasy?
35. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
my precioussssss
36. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
negotiable, but at this point its kind of puting the cart before the horse
37. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
my aunt (middle name)
38. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
no
39. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
my crooked dwarf pinkies
40. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
when I imagined everyone I loved being tortured and killed in the Tribulation thanks to a conversation with Derrick
41. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yesh, ever since Melissa said she liked it :)
42. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
roast beast
43. ANY BAD HABITS?
wasting time online
44. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD YOU OWN?
Disney Kids Sing Traveling Songs. I don't even know how I got it
45. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
If I was one of my friends I would. My brain, it hurts
46. DO LOOKS MATTER?
to an extent
47. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
I don't get mad, I get annoyed
48. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
kind of at Mr. S's
49. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
no. I'm a little gullible, but that's different
50. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
two heavy, stuffed buffalos that could be ridden or used like wrecking balls to send others sprawling
51. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
like oxygen
52. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
I have no wish to be paralyzed, maimed or disfigured, no
53. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
slavish devotion. Its hard to find
55. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
depends on the shoes, genius
56. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
I don't discriminate
57. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
green
58. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
all four
59. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
Heaven
60. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Answer them or die!!! I mean, whatever. Its cool.
61. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
birdsong
62. LAST THING YOU ATE?
grapefruit with honey
63. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Lorraine
64. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE PREFERRED SEX?
their hands
65. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
in a hospital
66. SCARIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
sliding downhill backward in my car
67. FAVORITE DRINK?
agua
68. FAVORITE JOKE?
How do you sell a deaf guy a monkey?
69. FAVORITE SPORT?
Nascar *snort*
70. YOUR HAIR COLOR?
wig
71. YOUR EYE COLOR?
Hazel
72. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
or contacts, yes
73. SIBLINGS?
brothers, several
74. FAVORITE MONTH
I prefer it to not be Jan, Feb, March or April
75. YOU LIKE SUSHI
ok, fine
76. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
the cat licking its paws
77. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
today. today is good.
78. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I'm not shy, but I wouldn't
79.SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summertime summertime la la la summertime
80. IF THERE WAS A QUESTION HERE YOU DIDN'T APPROVE OF, WOULD YOU CHANGE IT?
I'd delete it
81. WHO DO YOU SECRETLY LOVE?
I guess this IS the perfect place to admit that I love Craig, Isaac and/or Derrick
82. FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
"There are no cats in America and the streets are paved with cheese. There are no cats in America, so set your mind at ease"
83. LAKE OR OCEAN?
Ocean
84. BIGGEST TURNOFF?
smoking
85. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND
one today, a few last weekend, another the weekend before that :)
86. LAST KISS:
my mommer, this morning
87. LAST TEXT YOU RECEIVED:
Merry Christmas or Happy New Year
88. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Right, how's that different from "secret love"?
89. DO YOU WISH YOU CAN SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
Jim from The Office, or Charlotte Bronte
90. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
me
91. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENTED/ ARE ATTENDING:
JRHS
92. WHERE ARE YOU NOW:
sitting outside with 24 min remaining on the battery
93. ARE YOU SMILING:
its hard to chew gum and smile at the same time
94. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING:
salmon
96. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
a movie of my life. my video auto biography which has not been made yet.
97. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
Jerusalem the Golden, Malaguena Salerosa, or Halleluja by Leonard Cohen
98. WHEN WAS YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?
I'm still in several, actually.
got the one on my right hand from putting it through a window, sort of accidentally.
2. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
approx 10 yrs old, a classic Startac, battered and black
3. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
my ipod playlists
4. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Amy time!!!
5. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
swim in the ocean, crunch around on the sand and poke my toes in tidal pools
6. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
being a child with no responsibilities in the summertime
7. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
slaptop
8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
indescribable outdoors smells, like herbage after it rains
9. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
in certain situations
10. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME TO WEAR?
natural oils
12. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
red, long and curly on either sex
13. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
mid-air, as I'm keeling over in shock
14. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
"All I need is another cuppa coffee, nother cuppa coffee, nother cuppa coffee!"
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
veg'ls
16. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
seaweed salad and a rainbow roll
17. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
I have no idea
18. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
my own. It consists of modified English words like slaptop and heggs.
19. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)?
Like anyone could even know that.
20. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Leaving from where for where and for how long? Too vague.
21. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
buy a blank card and write in it
22. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED.
blah blah me blah
23. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
me
24. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
I don't know who's it is, I just call it.
25. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
littering, people who are unpatriotic, ppl who don't wear helmets on motorcycles, ppls who don't vote
26. HAS ANYONE EVER SPIT ON YOU?
Yes, my brother when he was 7 or so
27. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Any sweet comestibles that I'm trying to avoid, currently Nutty Bars
28. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB?
tomato worm killer, five cents a worm
29. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?'
one afternoon only, when I was 12 or 13 Loralee and I made a brazillion prank calls
30. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
counting grains of rice to assuage my boredom. thank you, internet survey
31. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I've always wanted to be a unicorn
32. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
for a chance to talk about myself and be funny and not bored
33. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
maybe mine eyes
34. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
make bathtub gin and open a speakeasy?
35. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
my precioussssss
36. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
negotiable, but at this point its kind of puting the cart before the horse
37. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
my aunt (middle name)
38. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
no
39. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
my crooked dwarf pinkies
40. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
when I imagined everyone I loved being tortured and killed in the Tribulation thanks to a conversation with Derrick
41. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yesh, ever since Melissa said she liked it :)
42. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
roast beast
43. ANY BAD HABITS?
wasting time online
44. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD YOU OWN?
Disney Kids Sing Traveling Songs. I don't even know how I got it
45. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
If I was one of my friends I would. My brain, it hurts
46. DO LOOKS MATTER?
to an extent
47. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
I don't get mad, I get annoyed
48. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
kind of at Mr. S's
49. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
no. I'm a little gullible, but that's different
50. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
two heavy, stuffed buffalos that could be ridden or used like wrecking balls to send others sprawling
51. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
like oxygen
52. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
I have no wish to be paralyzed, maimed or disfigured, no
53. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
slavish devotion. Its hard to find
55. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
depends on the shoes, genius
56. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
I don't discriminate
57. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
green
58. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
all four
59. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
Heaven
60. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Answer them or die!!! I mean, whatever. Its cool.
61. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
birdsong
62. LAST THING YOU ATE?
grapefruit with honey
63. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Lorraine
64. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE PREFERRED SEX?
their hands
65. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
in a hospital
66. SCARIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
sliding downhill backward in my car
67. FAVORITE DRINK?
agua
68. FAVORITE JOKE?
How do you sell a deaf guy a monkey?
69. FAVORITE SPORT?
Nascar *snort*
70. YOUR HAIR COLOR?
wig
71. YOUR EYE COLOR?
Hazel
72. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
or contacts, yes
73. SIBLINGS?
brothers, several
74. FAVORITE MONTH
I prefer it to not be Jan, Feb, March or April
75. YOU LIKE SUSHI
ok, fine
76. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
the cat licking its paws
77. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
today. today is good.
78. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I'm not shy, but I wouldn't
79.SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summertime summertime la la la summertime
80. IF THERE WAS A QUESTION HERE YOU DIDN'T APPROVE OF, WOULD YOU CHANGE IT?
I'd delete it
81. WHO DO YOU SECRETLY LOVE?
I guess this IS the perfect place to admit that I love Craig, Isaac and/or Derrick
82. FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
"There are no cats in America and the streets are paved with cheese. There are no cats in America, so set your mind at ease"
83. LAKE OR OCEAN?
Ocean
84. BIGGEST TURNOFF?
smoking
85. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND
one today, a few last weekend, another the weekend before that :)
86. LAST KISS:
my mommer, this morning
87. LAST TEXT YOU RECEIVED:
Merry Christmas or Happy New Year
88. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Right, how's that different from "secret love"?
89. DO YOU WISH YOU CAN SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
Jim from The Office, or Charlotte Bronte
90. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
me
91. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENTED/ ARE ATTENDING:
JRHS
92. WHERE ARE YOU NOW:
sitting outside with 24 min remaining on the battery
93. ARE YOU SMILING:
its hard to chew gum and smile at the same time
94. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING:
salmon
96. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
a movie of my life. my video auto biography which has not been made yet.
97. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
Jerusalem the Golden, Malaguena Salerosa, or Halleluja by Leonard Cohen
98. WHEN WAS YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?
I'm still in several, actually.
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