Date

This is the true story of the worst date of my life. I should mention that the guy (call him Bucky) was the average, likable nice guy. It just happened that his personality and mine were not a perfect fit, i.e. his relationship-killing blunders might not make the slightest blip on another woman's WARNING! radar.

First, he was 45 minutes late picking me up. I had (very practically) suggested meeting him at our destination but nooo, he insisted on driving to my house and meeting the folks. So he'd never been there before and its not unusual to get lost, right? Ha! That's what Yahoo maps are for. Hello, it's a first impression. Don't keep the girl waiting.

When he finally got there, I found that Bucky had rented a convertible (he had flown to NH for an interview plus the date and needed a car). It was April, not the warmest month of the year. In fact, it was darn chilly, but Bucky obviously liked convertibles. Some people do, but wind musses hair, and after spending 20 minutes trying to make mine look good, I was not pleased. We flew down the road with me cowering below the windshield, both hands clamped over my hair like a helmet. Happily, after a quarter of an hour, Bucky took the hint and pulled over.

"Oh, would you like me to put the top up?"

The lhasa apso beside him nodded sullenly, her lips too frozen to reply.


The calm and quiet introduced by the lack of rushing air was both a blessing and a curse, as it became obvious that we had nothing to talk about. Bucky flipped on the radio. Normally I would think nothing of it, but at the end of a long tense pause, turning on the radio is a sign of desperation, kind of like sending up a signal flare. When his cell phone rang he nearly dove to answer it. It was our mutual friend, and after chatting with her for a few minutes he handed the phone to me.

"Are you having a good time?" she asked.

Still half deaf from the wind, I didn't think he could possibly hear her side of the conversation.

"Not yet", I said. Bucky gave a twitch and I realized with horror that he certainly had heard.

"But I'm sure we will!" I frantically shoveled sand as the water rose above my head.

He didn't like Ice Age (my choice) and laughed maybe once. That movie is hilarious. I own it, for Pete's sake. Anyway, there I was, trying to look more mature than the kids around us who were howling with glee. But at the part when Sid breaks through the line of dodos holding the melon like a football and the camera goes into slow motion, I couldn't keep it together. A few chuckles and the dam broke. I let out a shout of laughter that made Bucky jump.

When it was over I was still laughing, all the way through the mall and into the parking lot. All Bucky said was, "Guess I'm not that into kid's movies".

Next we went to a restaurant where he watched bemusedly as I ate sushi. After I told him there was no real fish in a California roll he worked up the nerve to try a piece. Too bad he gagged, choked and spit it out in his napkin.

I was also not impressed when he ordered three main dishes.

"Who are those for?" I asked.

"I dunno. You can take some home if you want. This is on my dad's credit card".

Incomprehensibly, he also volunteered that I had his dad's card to thank for the very uncomfortable ride in the convertible.

The worst part of the date, though, was when his cell phone rang and he answered it right at the table while we were eating and trying to have a conversation. I think that answering a cell phone while talking exclusively with another person is one of the Top 10 Worst habits / traits known to modern man.

Unable to hide my irritation and unwilling to wait until Bucky finished talking, I stalked off to the ladies' room, refuge of beleaguered blind daters. I had (very politely) left my phone at home, which turned out to be unfortunate, since I was dying to call a friend and kvetch.

Back at the table Bucky must have seen or felt the storm brewing because he asked if anything was wrong. Although it would have been oh-so-satisfying to let him have it with both barrels, I decided I wasn't the person to set him straight, since it was obviously going to be our first and last date.

And it was.