Sleep Testing

Come Sleep With Us was the title of a posting on Craigslist that I saw while browsing through the Misc. Employment section. I figured that it had something to do with sleep testing, since there were quite a few of those. Sure enough, Brigham and Women's is doing a 9 day sleep study and they need victi—uh volunteers who are 18-30 and healthy. Hmm, thought I, I love to sleep and $120 a day is not too shabby for lounging around in my pjs, reading, watching movies and surfing the internet. I've been doing that for the last 6 weeks without pay. So I emailed the contact person.

Fortunately, she sent me a very detailed email. The study actually starts 3 weeks before going to the hospital when the human lab rat maintains a regular 8 hour per night sleep pattern, which includes keeping the same hours every night and recording them. That's bad news for people who go to bed whenever the help they feel like it and get up the same way.

Phase 1 also requires several trips to Boston, blood tests, a drug test and a physical. That's medical boot camp, and I hate going to the doctor like a fat soldier hates a drill sergeant.

Then there's the lab. Nine days, the email said, without caffeinated beverages. Tea and coffee are like oxygen. I wouldn't deny them to my worst enemy or Donald Trump. Inexplicably, movies are also taboo. Ditto for laptops because they have a clock (can't the dang thing be disabled?). There's also a shocking lack of privacy, with two video monitors in each "suite" (bet they call them suites at Walter Reed, too), an internal thermometer affixed in an awkward place and daily urine tests. Excuse me, daily?! The infrequency of peeing in a cup is directly proportional to my quality of life.

Reading that, the test was not really an option anymore, but the final stroke was yet to come. The subject cannot leave her "suite" so she's basically a prisoner, complete with torture: they keep a person awake for 70 hours at a stretch. I actually saw that in a movie about WWII prisoner camps. The email said that technicians are present throughout the 70 hours to "play games" with the subjects to keep them awake. Yeah right. After going three days without sleep laser paintball frisbee tag couldn't keep me awake. The technicians probably poke their victims with sharp objects and spray them with ice water.

Even though I'm not doing it, it wasn't a wasted query. Waking up after ten irregular hours of sleep and with my computer warming my lap, I think of those poor saps at Brigham's who are selling their freedom for $120 a day and I enjoy my morning coffee all the more.